Having read Marcella Pollman's wonderful My Life As A Bastard, which should win a prize for most credible unlikely pairing ever *tries not to give the game away*, in which Fraser has no stamp collection, I wrote this for Marcella.

Philately (noun): stamp collecting, the collection and study of postage stamps and related items.

"I mean, killing somebody for like an itty bitty stamp with no gum on? These guys are totally fruit loops, Fraser."

"Ray, it was a first-issue Penny Black with a rare printing error, although I do admit that philately can bring out the obsessive side of the character, why I once..."

"Do. Not. Tell. Me that you actually have a stamp collection, Fraser. That is geek beyond geek, that is the uebergeek..."

"Well, then, I won't."

"Okay, Fraser hit me. Not like that, I mean tell me about your stamp collection and why I am totally underestimating the cool of it."

"Ah. Well, while the Territories are less than temperate, I would not have described my stamp collection as cool, or at least in the sense that you used the epiphet, that is the vernacular usage meaning "excellent" but rather..."

"Fraser, cut to the chase, I'm drowning in your words here, look, this is me drowning in your words. Now, in terms a dumb-ass American can understand."

"Ray, I consider neither you or your ass dumb. Although why a donkey is involved at this juncture, I quite fail to understand"


"Ah. Well, my grandmother encouraged me in this venture, ah, this activity, that is stamp collecting..."

"Waitaminute, this is the same grandma who never bought you a dumper truck?"

"Ray, I don't have another grandmother, and I'd rather appreciate if you didn't bring that up..."

"Smarts, huh?"

"Well, actually, that is an appropriate word, although not in the sense that you intend, videlicet hurts or causes pain, but rather that..."


"She thought it an educational activity for a young boy. And she did, despite the poor nature of the postal service in the Yukon, carry out quite a substantial amount of correspondence from her days as a missionary."

"Missionary, figues. But did you enjoy it?"

"Stamp collecting is a fine and educational activity and can teach a young man with an enquiring mind much about geography and also about history and current world events..."

"But you'd have rather been outside playing snowballs."

"My grandmother did not really approve of that sort of thing, she was rather of the view that it would be a calming activity."

"That's no."


"Was that 'yes, no' or 'yes, it was exciting'? No forget it, I get it, come on, let's collar our perp du jour."

"Yes, Ray."

"I just can't get the idea that somebody would get bothered about a licked stamp, I mean, licking them's half the fun."

"Actually, I consider the taste quite disagreeable, fortunately Diefenbaker..."

"You get the wolf to lick your stamps?"

"Affirmative, Ray."

"There are things even you won't lick?"

"Quite, Ray."

"Let me process this information. If there are things you hate licking, does that mean there are things you really like licking, like adore licking?"

"Ray, I don't think this is an appropriate juncture to discuss this..."

"Like, what..."

"Fuck, Fraser, you've got to be kidding me."

"No, Ray, I've really given some considerable thought to the matter."

"What about a demonstration?"

"Oh, Christ, Fraser, the wolf licks there."

"Ah, yes, I can tell."

"Vecchio, what is your mountie doing?"

"Checking I've been washing behind my ears, he promissed to report to my mum, Dewey."

"Ah, Detective Dewey, I was just demonstrating..."

"New forensic technique from freezerland, they've taught Mounties to taste DNA."

"Oh, yeah, that has to be kind of useful, but you must really like the taste of potatoes, Fraser."

"Fuck you, Dewey"

"Dewey, just look at Vecchio's hair, he's in love with it, gotta have washed it like twice a day, like before gel and après gel."

"Thanks, Huey, man. Yo, Dewey, maybe wash a bit more and your partner will lick you behind the ear and no need to get jealous."

"Perhaps, Ray, we should take our demonstration of forensic technique elsewhere..."

"What about the Stamp Guy?"

"I believe he'll, what is the expression, 'stick around'?"

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