Constable Renfield Turnbull’s RCMP Diary

Date: Monday

Number of people obfusticated and confused: 6 (including myself)
Number of times Inspector angry: none (a record huzzah!)

Mourn educational standards in America. The lady who thinks that we are all communists has started telephoning again. Wonder if before she lost her sanity, she was a member of the RCMP, her ability at O&C does her credit even if her grasp of reality does not.

Note to self: Comrade Fraser wears button suspenders off duty! Many thanks to Det Vecchio.

Note to self: get buttoned suspenders.

Note to self: find somebody who shares appreciation thereof.

It seems that the Mexican Ambassador’s pyjama party was very agreeable to the Inspector.

Date: Tuesday

Number of people obfusticated and confused: 8 (v.good)
Number of times Inspector angry: 4 (not good)
Number of times item two solved with application of item 1: 2 (most excellent use of initiative)
Days until tournament of hearts: 5!!!!!

Today gentleman wearing a coal skuttle on his head kept telling me that he was my father. Query asthma? Told him I wasn't into that scene and directed him to the club on 84th and Flogger, where he can be as fatherly as he wants.

Date: Wednesday

4 days to the Tournament Of Hearts!
O&C: 5 people
Number of times Inspector angry: 8 (v bad)
Number of times Inspector extremely angry: 2

Today, Inspector Thatcher took issue with my short-hand. Apparently, I keep scribing sex for socks. Being a Mountie, and she my Inspector, I did not comment that she has an unhealthy interest in socks.

Constable Fraser and Diefenbaker saved a minibus of nuns from trained attack alpacas today.

Date: Thurdsay

3 days to the Tournament Of Hearts! (have booked leave etc one year ago, take that Inspector!)
Number of people obfusticated and confused: 22 (almost all on behalf of Constable Fraser)
Number of times Inspector angry: 1 (but it lasted all day)
Number of priceless vases destroyed: 2 (but not by me, this is v good)

The Inspector is in one of her “quivering horseflesh” moods. She still has an unfortunate and uncomfortable interest in socks.

Decided to avoid her. Dusted the Queen, washed Diefenbaker, dusted Her Majesty, wrote a peon to curling, dusted Elizabeth R.

Washed priceless vases. Inspector picked up wet vases and…

They were very dusty. Have now krazy-glued self to diary.

Hope Const. Fraser comes in soon from whatever he is doing with Det. Vecchio.

Date: Friday

1 day to the Tournament Of Hearts (not a leap year, oops)
Number of people obfusticated and confused: 4
Number of times Inspector angry: 0

Inspector is away. We mice shall play. Finished dusting Queen’s bedroom.

Discussed ToH with Const. Fraser.

Made cake in shape of a curling kettle.

That lady who thinks we are communists called. I gave her the Inspector’s number and told her to call Monday.

Date: Saturday

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Date: Sunday

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Date: Monday

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Date: Tuesday

Number of people obfusticated and confused: nil
Number of times Inspector angry: too many
Number of times gone to cry in the little Mountie’s room: 5 (fortunately it is not unisex).

Told Det. Vecchio everything.

Told Det. Vecchio that I had missed the end of the Tournament, because the Inspector had telephoned and ordered me to come to her appt and search everywhere for the giant spiders.

It seems the bottled gift from the Mexican ambassador was more than it seemed.

And one should not make Irish Coffee with it for a week.

(Alcohol! On duty? Margaret, how thou hath fallen!)

Spent weekend exterminating giant spiders very carefully, and Inspector kept ordering me to search places I rather would not. This was when I first began to suspect.

Det Vecchio (Note to self: call him Ray, if he speaks the truth, call him anything he wants) says that he has the tournament on video over at his. Said he did it to watch all the ladies bending over and getting their rocks off. I suspect he lies, I have attained a conversion!

Date: Wednesday

We had *sex*. It was better than curling. Det Vecchio shares my appreciation of buttoned suspenders.


We also had double take-out.

I wonder how Mr Sandor manages to carry both those pizzas at once? Is there special training involved?

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